There once was a walnut called Wally, and Wally was terribly proud of his heritage. He didn't have anything against the young upstarts around the orchard, but he did like to tell them "I come from ancient royalty" (which the 'young upstarts' found particularly infuriating).
When pressed, Wally told his young friends that his ancestors came from the big mountains that went all the way from southeastern Europe, through Persia and all the way to China. They lived through Ice Ages, hopped on to treks with traders, impressed the Greeks no end and had a whale of a time with the Romans. And all the way, they endured being cracked open by people without ever once being asked if that was okay for them.
Wally's Family Tree
Wally's tree was huge - over 20 m high. Wally and his tree used to have long talks - neither of them were going anywhere so they figured they might as well get to know each other properly. The tree was 15 years old and had only just reached what the people called "maturity" (although the tree just called it 'growing up').
Wally struggled to understand the tree's love life - it was complicated. The tree had male and female flowers, but they both came out at different times (that's called dichogamy), which made going on a date very hard. The flowers were pollinated entirely by the wind, which is very poetic and lovely until the wind had a bad day and wandered off somewhere else.
Wally is harvested
When autumn arrived, Wally’s hull split open — a rather undignified moment — and he dropped to the ground with a thud.
“This is barbaric,” he muttered, as humans gathered walnuts by hand, knocked stubborn ones down with long poles, and peeled off hulls that stained everything they touched. Then came the sun‑drying, the sorting, and eventually the cracking.
Wally tried to maintain composure.
It was difficult. And he couldn't talk to his tree about it any more.
Wally's extended family
When Wally met up with other walnuts in a storage bin, he discovered the remarkable fact that he belonged to a vast and varied clan!
There were the English/Persian walnuts (Wally was part of this group. The most popular and widespread of all, of course)
The Black Walnuts were strong, dramatic types. Very earthy but a bit intense.
Butternuts had nearly gone extinct now, but they were sweet and creamy.
And the heartnuts - charming, heart-shaped, easy to crack but a little... ditzy?
Wally lives happily ever after (well, sort of)
After all sorts of dramatic adventures and being shunted, shaken, hulled, pushed, pulled and packaged Wally finally found himself in a charming little food prep room in a faraway country called Australia. There he got to have a long bath with all his mates in some clean water that was pleasantly salty. After that they all went into a warm dry place and were blow dried for two whole days!
Apparently, so Wally was told, he was now 'activated'. He certainly felt ready for anything. He just hoped he wasn't going to be one of the ones chosen to be made into Butter. He didn't think that sounded like much fun at all.
Maybe you get Wally in your next bag of Totally Nuts Walnuts....???